Wonka Candy

Ever since I started riding my pink power puff bike to the Mr. Food to blow my allowance on sugar I've been opposed to Wonka candy. In theory, anyway; I still bought the stuff, knowing nothing of boycotts or the power of the dollar. Hell, for a dollar I could buy three entire boxes of Nerds - one in each flavor. Righteous, yes?

Here's my problem: no candy can live up to the name of Wonka. It can't be done. Not even with an alliance between NASA, Lindt, Lady Gaga and Cirque du Soleil will the snozberries ever really taste like snozberries.¹ It's overly ambitious merchandizing and it's getting worse. Today's boxes of Wonka candy bear the tagline "Food your imagination!" I'd be less annoyed by the verbing of 'food' if this stuff actually qualified as food. But it doesn't. It's brightly colored sugar nuggets.

It is, however, brightly colored sugar nuggets of joy. For all my objections to Wonka candy's marketing, I love the candy. So they can pretty much call it anything they'd like.

LIK-M-AID Fun Dip
Remember that scene in Ratatouille when the evil food critic, Ego, is rushed back to sweet scenes of childhood through one bite of veggie casserole? Fun Dip does that for me. As soon as I get my hands on a compartmentalized bag I'm back in my beloved Minnie Mouse swimsuit, at the pool, with my mom and all is right with the world.

Runts
I love Runts. They are the ultimate tool in the childhood arsenal of anti-dentists weaponry. And they're shaped like fruit! There's nothing that matches the gratification of eating a banana that is not only cavity-causing, it's literally tooth breaking. They're like little, Benedict Arnolds. Take that, dentists! We've got your apple right here.

Nerds
What I like best about Nerds is the implication that by eating them, we accept them, and are hence being better people. There's no bullying of these nerds. There's only love and mastication. Actually, the mastication isn't necessary - if you suck on them they will just melt. And now my nerd analogy is grossing me out a little. Ew.

Spree
Spree remind me of old, classic carnival rides - in a good way. They're sleek and shiny and fun. And they have gluttony right in the name, but in such a sneaky way that it's easily mistaken for a declaration of joy, such as "whee!" or "heeee!" or... okay, I'm already stretching that thin.

Laffy Taffy
I think what this taffy is laughing about is the popularity it enjoys among younger generations who increasingly eschew traditional salt water taffy. With their manageable size, decreased likelihood of taking up permanent residence in one's teeth, and brighter colors, Laffy Taffy is a huge improvement over its beach counterpart. Personally, I'm always amazed that I can eat the stuff in one sitting; a single stick of traditional taffy will still be on my to do list until next year's beach vacation.

Pixy Stix
If there is any candy giving parents everywhere the middle finger it's Pixy Stix. Not only are these uncut sugar in a tube, they're misspelled and impossible to reference in the singular. It's candy with a gang mentality. "We will f*** you up!" A+++





¹Upon checking urbandictionary.com to check my spelling of snozberry I learned that it is a euphemism for 'penis.' This is the second time today that 'penis' has factored into one of my posts. Damn it, this world is sick.

The Contests at Cowlick

There's something really special about books that manage to survive childhood. Children can't help but interact with the things they love. Unlike adults, they don't shelve precious items. They won't put them aside and store them - they will love them. Which is it's own form of abuse, especially when said object is a book.

I don't remember when I learned that I would eventually regret scribbling on my book-bound friends' faces or that favorite pages can't be torn out and cuddled, but learn that lesson I finally did. The Contests at Cowlick were spared my most primal form of loving, and now the book is braving another generation of children on our family's bookshelf. I admit, I have reservations about passing on my beloved childhood favorites to my own kids. But at the end of the day, I accept that new copies can (almost) always be found, if the old don't survive. And thank goodness for that, because I love reading The Contests at Cowlick to my kids as much, if not more, than I loved having it read to me.

The premise of the book is simple: a young boy saves his town from a band of vicious bandits through sheer courage and wit. Any story that pits a kid against bandits is bound to be popular. And this one throws in a bunch of fun dialogue, bad grammar, rude words and literal yelping and hollering. My son's eyes widened when he first heard me growl, "Shut up!" from the page, and he laughed out loud when I followed that up with a loud, "Waaaaaeeeeeeeeooooohhh!"

The Contests at Cowlick presents a classic good kid/bad guy story without a moralistic epilogue or complicated world view. It's just plain fun. And that gets a huge A++++ from me. I wasn't able to find many images of the book to post, but someone's grandma was nice enough to have a reading ready to go on YouTube. Awww.